One of the most iconic scenes in J.R.R. Tolkien’s book The Lord of the Rings is the one where the heroes leave the forest of Lothlorien. The queen of the elves, Galadriel, bestows gifts upon each of the heroes. She thoughtfully considers their needs and personalities. The only character for whom she has nothing special is Gimli the Dwarf, but she gives him the most intimate gift of all: three strands of her golden hair.
It’s hard to follow up on that kind of epic gift-giving in real life but every time I watch that scene in the movie I think of Santa Claus. Santa and his elves live at the North Pole, making presents for children all year long. Santa invented the toy factory long before the rest of us thought about mass producing toys. But Santa shares one trait with Galadriel. No, it’s not golden hair. It is their ability to judge the person and bestow the perfect gift. Plus, Santa occasionally leaves a fruit.
Both Santa Claus and Galadriel read the person and trust their instincts to know the right gift to bestow. The rest of us have to live with trusting our instincts. But there was a time when people really did make gifts for each other based on what they knew about their friends and family. We were all more skilled in basic crafts. Well, our forefathers were. It was a different world.
The modern world revolves around the Internet. If you want to give a gift to someone who load Amazon into your browser and check their wish list. This may be the only way we can beat Santa Claus at his own game because we don’t have to wait a year to give the perfect present. But it is less intimate that Galadriel’s farewell party for the heroes of Middle-earth.
Young men today also seem a bit lost in the love department. Should we send flowers to the girl of our dreams? It’s easy to send gifts from online floral services. Here is my advice, guys: do that for your wife when you are traveling. It’s a romantic gesture to show her you are thinking of her. When you’ve just met a girl and you want to show her your appreciation, but more subtle (spend time with her) or more direct (bring the flowers yourself). But flowers may be overdoing it in the dating department. They may make a better gift for the girl who has never received flowers than for the girl who is surrounded by bouquets from all the guys who think she is beautiful.
We give and receive so many gifts it’s almost become expected that someone will give you something. Not everyone receives as many gifts as everyone else. And yet, we receive so many gifts we find ourselves sighing over the thoughtlessness behind them. You’ll find some very thoughtful essays about how to give thoughtfully and caringly. The art of giving gifts has not been completely lost. We reinvent it with every generation. We change our thoughtfulness as our own lives change. 10 years ago you wouldn’t have dreamed of giving away a car. But as your children grow up and learn to drive you think about how you will help them get that important first vehicle. It can be a heap of junk or a dream car, but it almost certainly won’t be new.
Parents plan ahead for big purchases like automobiles for the kids. Some of my friends bought a new car three years before their eldest kids were ready to drive, knowing that one day they would pass on that car. Why three years? Because they wanted their children to have a good vehicle still under warranty but they also wanted to drive a better car than their children. Was that good parenting? It was practical parenting, to be sure. I won’t criticize anyone for thinking ahead like that. My dad and I went down to the used car lots and found a fixer-upper. I worked on that car every weekend for a year. Little did I know he was just waiting until I was more mature to help me finance a car. You see, to “fix up” the car I need parts and so I was motivated to get a job. It was a lousy fast food job but it paid for everything I needed. By the end of that year Dad rewarded me with a co-signed loan on my 18th birthday, and I bought a car that was more reliable.
Now, there is a lesson to be learned here. What makes me smile is that I wasn’t the first person to realize it. Only when I shared that story with an older friend of mine did I learn what my Dad really did for me. The car wasn’t the gift. The loan wasn’t the gift. It was the gift of teaching me to take responsibility for the things I want most that was perfect. And Dad’s thoughtful gift followed exactly this kind of advice. I’ve been proud of my father for many reasons, but I’ve been very proud of the way he taught me to be an adult. He didn’t lecture me. He gave me an opportunity to grow into responsibility and supported me. I can only hope I am as good with my own children as he was with me.
Galadriel and Santa Claus could learn a few things from my father. His gifts were bestowed with love and the humble talents of a parent. He doesn’t have any super powers other than being a Dad. And that’s an awesome power, just as being a Mom is an awesome power. When your children look up to you and ask you for something, they are expressing a need. Sometimes that need isn’t really for candy, food, or toys. Sometimes it’s for something more: a connection, a thought, your attention, or maybe a lesson in how to move into the next stage of life. Galadriel and Santa cannot do that for us. They are fun to read about, but growing up with a loving, supportive parent is the greatest gift in the world. May every child who is without that love find it and learn to pass it on to their own children.
